I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
How to make infinite energy.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Well well well…
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The honesty is refreshing
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.