Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“you changed” bro i was 15
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today