I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
describing stardew valley
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.