I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.