Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?