bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.