This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.