I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
What a website
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
A game married people play.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?