Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Strange
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
A choir of Spring onions
Air conditioning – not a fan
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.