Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon