surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting