Hank is one in a melon.
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.