HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Happy thanksgiving
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”