Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name