SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.