You Might Also Like
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.