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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.