everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Anyone want a chair?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.