Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier