Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
BRAKING NEWS!!
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.