Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”