God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase