It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
shit just got real
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Children of the corn 🌽
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?