*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep