Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Pringles
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Who says great literature is dead?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.