Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.