My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I like crazy people until they notice me
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Baller is short for ballerina
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.