“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
These are my roll models.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?