I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.