I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.