2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
and now we wait
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.