Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!