Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
The “baby” on the left….
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.