“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
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All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
? 💀
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good