Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder