A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
i- i did not expect this
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?