My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When I laugh on my period
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice