you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
You Might Also Like
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Writing, She Murdered.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.