Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.