Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.