If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.