earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.