*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.