My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A ghost story
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent