wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.