as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
You Might Also Like
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
lmao
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes