A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
#growingpains
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th