*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Yup!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*