*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
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I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
we all know this pain all too well
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
it’s finally my moment to shine
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!