Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.